


Facing Fears

by fictyun



Series: Remembering You, Yeonjun. [2]
Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Established Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, M/M, dead poets society reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:42:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29461467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictyun/pseuds/fictyun
Summary: A person's courage can be determined in many ways.For Soobin, it manifested in ways he never thought he'd have to go through. Life used to be something he experienced so simply but now, he's opened to the reality that life is so much more vivid and complex than it seems.To him, courage is when you face the cold, unforgiving winter of reality— even if you're only equipped with a blanket of truth that always leaves your feet cold.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Series: Remembering You, Yeonjun. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2163954
Kudos: 26





	Facing Fears

**Author's Note:**

> this is a companion piece for my previous work "remembering you, yeonjun." wherein soobin and yeonjun talk about a quote from dead poets society as they wait for the fireworks.
> 
> \---
> 
> written: 20/12/02  
> posted: 20/12/07

If there’s one thing Soobin detested about winter, it’s the way the crisp air managed to bite at his nose no matter how high he pulled his scarf. Or how the cold managed to permeate his skin regardless of how thick his coat was.

To put it simply, winter was cold and unforgiving; everything Soobin was not.

Yeonjun always found his distaste for winter amusing though. He’d tug at Soobin’s sleeve, insisting that the other walk around in the park with him while they waited for the fireworks.

It was easy for him to convince Soobin then, all it took was a bright smile that turned his eyes into little crescents and amidst the cold, Soobin would find himself warmed by Yeonjun’s presence.

By then, Soobin would have forgotten about the cold as they closed their eyes and made their new year's wish on the first burst of fireworks.

Which brings us to their current situation.

Just like the many new year’s they spent before, Soobin found himself standing outside in the cold as they waited for the fireworks. The only difference was, Yeonjun was seated on his wheelchair rather than standing next to Soobin with his arms around his waist.

Instead of the dewy scent of grass under their feet, the musty smell of old concrete with a hint of bleach and lime infiltrated Soobin’s senses as they stood on the hospital rooftop. Even the winter air felt colder, with him continuously tugging on his scarf to cover his nose.

Everything felt cold and lifeless and Soobin wanted nothing more than to head back down to the room, but he stayed. He stood there overlooking the skyscrapers that surrounded the hospital and the muffled sound of steady traffic in the streets below.

Despite his discomfort, Soobin knew better than to walk away because he knew that this could very well be Yeonjun’s last new year’s celebration.

His thoughts were interrupted when Yeonjun spoke up.

“So what did we usually do while waiting for the fireworks?”

There’s a curious glint dancing behind Yeonjun’s eyes; paired with his eagerness, his face seemed to brighten ever so softly in excitement.

It’s enough to turn Soobin into a puddle of fondness; he’s only ever looked at Yeonjun with soft eyes and a loving smile.

“We talked.”

Yeonjun’s caught off guard with pleasant surprise at Soobin’s response.

“That’s it?” he prods, lips in a disbelieving smile. “We just talked?”

Soobin chuckles at his reaction.

“Yeah, we did! Were you expecting something else?”

“I mean, I thought we did something fun too,” Yeonjun points out. “Maybe skated in the park or something.”

Soobin laughs again, although this time it’s more of an exhale as memories from the past slowly filled his head.

“Oh, but our conversations were fun though.”

Soobin’s mind races back to last year’s new year’s celebration. They were in their usual bench at the park, huddled close to each other to fight off the cold. He remembers vividly how they talked about anything and everything; from the things happening around them to something as plain as literature.

Normally, Soobin would’ve found it boring to talk about literature but with Yeonjun, it’s never dull.

“What did we talk about last time?” Yeonjun asks, bringing Soobin back from his thoughts.

“We talked about the film _Dead Poets Society_.”

“Is that where the quote from the scrapbook came from?”

“Mhm, it’s a favorite film of ours.”

Amongst the other polaroids compiled in the scrapbook, a photo of himself from last year stood out to Yeonjun. It was tattered along the edges and held together with sellotape. Oddly enough, that made it so much more endearing to Yeonjun.

Underneath it was a quote from the film.

_Truth, truth. Like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold._

_You push it, stretch it, but it’ll never be enough._

After waking up from the accident, Yeonjun wondered how the quote related to him and that particular photo. He figured that it must’ve meant something to them considering Soobin wrote the quote next to it. There wasn’t any other context to be found in that particular page of the scrapbook since it only held his old polaroid and the quote.

“What do you think that means?” He finally asks.

Soobin thinks for a moment.

He recounts the time after they watched the movie, how they sat huddled to each other in the park benches, wondering what the quote really meant. They’d bickered like an old married couple about whose interpretation was more accurate.

In hindsight, Soobin didn’t really pay much attention to that particular quote and so he didn’t get a good grasp of it. But now, he understood it as clear as day.

He understood now why truth was like a blanket that always left your feet cold.

Truth always leaves your feet cold because it’s found in reality. It acts as a form of closure to the reality we’re in; and despite it ‘covering’ certain aspects of reality, there are things it couldn’t reach.

You see, reality isn’t meant to be hidden or altered. Hence, no matter how hard Soobin tried to stretch out the truth to fit into his idealized reality, he found it lacking; and at this moment, Soobin knew that the truth did nothing to save him from the cold.

Because the cold took the shape of Yeonjun’s frail body and tired smile and that image clawed at his chest like a raging gust of wind. Soobin felt the weight of reality that sat on his shoulders and the truth was nothing more than a tattered piece of fabric that barely kept him covered.

Ever since Yeonjun’s accident, Soobin depended on his stretched out version of the truth. The idealized truth that he came up with— _everything would be okay, things would go back to normal, Yeonjun would get well_ — It was only now that he realized how lacking it was.

So instead, he opted for a lighter answer to Yeonjun’s question.

“It means my coat’s not thick enough for this winter.” Soobin mumbles with an empty chuckle. He sniffles and fakes a shiver to hide the fact that he’s on the verge of tears.

“That’s a silly interpretation, Soob-ah.” Yeonjun teases.

There’s a hint of curiosity lingering in the older boy’s eyes but he doesn’t prod any further. Soobin makes a mental note of thanks when Yeonjun decides to leave it at that. He glances at his watch and notices the time.

It’s ten til midnight.

“Hyung, close your eyes. Let’s make a wish on the first two fireworks!” Soobin urges. “C’mon, like old times.”

Yeonjun is confused at first, finding the idea weird but he closes his eyes nonetheless. Soobin’s left to observe Yeonjun for a moment.

A feeling of bitter fondness blooms in his chest at the sight of Yeonjun’s head tilted towards the sky, eyes wistfully shut. Soobin finally tore his gaze from the other and did the same.

There’s a split moment of silence as Soobin tries to compose his thoughts before he finally decides to face the cold.

_I’m still so afraid of losing him but if it means that he won’t get hurt anymore, then I’m willing to let go. All I ask is that he remembers me once more._

Soobin stops and leaves it at that. His heart is pounding against his chest and he feels his chest constrict as he tries to focus on his breathing.

Acceptance was never easy, nor was it painless.

Making that wish, regardless if it was spoken in his mind or out loud, was enough confirmation for Soobin to know that he finally accepted Yeonjun’s fate. _And_ _god, did that hurt him._

There’s a loud burst of fireworks and Soobin opens his eyes slowly, the tears making everything a blurry mosaic of colours. He takes a deep inhale and the crisp winter air along with the faint smell of smoke bites at his lungs.

For the first time a long while, Soobin feels wide awake in reality. Only this time, it isn’t so bleak.

He watches the eruption of colors flash all around him and stands there motionless for a moment. He feels a gentle warmth embrace his hand and sees that Yeonjun has interlaced their fingers together.

Yeonjun looks up at him from the wheelchair he’s seated in. He looks like he's about to say something but thinks against it at the last minute. Soobin kneels down to press a firm kiss on his forehead, no longer minding the tears streaming down his face.

“Yeonjun-ah,” He says in between tears, “You are _so_ precious to me. I hope you keep that with you for as long as you can.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll remember this time.” Yeonjun mumbles into Soobin’s chest. “I’ll hold on to that for as long as I can. I promise.”

“I love you.” It's spoken as a sigh against Yeonjun's head. “You don't have to say it back.”

Yeonjun smiles and rests his head against Soobin’s lips, his grasp on Soobin’s hand tightening ever so slightly as he pulls it close to his own chest— almost as if he’s unwilling to let go.

Soobin smiles at the small gesture. Without having to be told, he understood that so much more was spoken in what was left unsaid.

Amidst the cold air, Soobin finds himself thinking again. Yes, winter may be cold and unforgiving; however it still brings comfort to those who seek and face it.


End file.
